Depression

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Life

There are several segments in today’s post ~ look for the headings. 🙂

This is a very personal post. It does not have a lot to do with the yoga practice, per se. If you are looking for meditation and kriya how to’s and the such you will find them in other posts. This is like a journal entry.

Depression ~ The Realization

This past month, October, was a very challenging month for me. I had ample time to work on the projects I love, like writing on this blog, but I found myself in a deep depression for most of the month.

Thus, I was unmotivated, unhappy, with crazy mood swings and energy levels to boot. And no will to get up in the morning and my sleep pattern getting crazy, in the sense it was easy for me to sleep twelve hours in a single day.

Depression has come off and on for many years, and for a long time I didn’t know what this thing was. It was a thing I struggled with but always just made myself deal with life. Always just made myself get up. Made myself too busy to feel it. And disconnected myself from my body and my experience.

It wasn’t until this year, as I lay in savasana one day, questioning myself what was going on. What was this thing where I felt I had no will? What was this thing that caused me to retract from others and hermit? That made it hard to get up in the morning even though life is happening? The answer came to me: Depression.

I called one of my friends, who has a history of dealing with depression, and we talked about it. She confirmed my intuition, and it let all these pieces fall into place about my life and my experiences. It brought me back to the list of self-care items I had made a few years ago in a women’s program.

Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute I had to make conscious choices that would bring me out of the deep dark whirlpool of this emotional sticky tack. I had to move myself slowly and be okay that my best one day would not be the same each day. I had to make lists of the things I did each day so I could see I was moving forward in my life and making changes.

The Opportunity

It lasted for about three months. I really began to feel like myself again in late August and September, even though my anxiety was quite high – I was having trouble finding work.

Late September I received a dream job offer. It required I move to a new city, Nelson, BC, but the promise was a good wage, work in alignment with my passions (crystals!!!) and work that would help me to build a career.

I was excited! Everything lined up easily for me to move there, and I felt supported. I felt like things were finally flowing for me, and I could breathe again. I felt the abundance coming towards me, and it overjoyed me. No more worrying about the rent. I will become financially stable. Yes. This felt goooooood.

The Trigger

I took a quick working vacation I had planned months in advance for a week, and crashed at a good friends house when I came back for a few days. I had to organize the details. I called my new employer to arrange my start date, and he informed me he had sold his gemstone collection.

Which meant my job was gone. {Learned: ask for a contract when moving cities}

I didn’t know what to do. Do I still go to Nelson, where I had already shipped my things? Do I stay in Vancouver and keep working as a barista on Granville Island and try to find a new place to live?

I decided I would go. I decided I would check out Nelson, BC. It had been one of the easiest moves I’ve ever done, easier than moving in Vancouver, even! I had never been there but many people had expressed how much I would love it and how much they would love to live there.

Arrival

I landed in Nelson around October 11th. It was a new city, and I was grateful for a room I had sublet for the month of October and then some. Where I was to live in about a month is also an unknown. Almost immediately though I was struck by a deep dark depression. It was one of the ugliest I had experienced in a while.

I was shocked at the low energy I was experiencing (and still do experience) and the mood swings I had. I couldn’t believe how cloudy it was here, and how short the sun stays out. I couldn’t believe how I did not want to get out of bed.

I love the synchronicity that seems to brew here effortlessly though. I love how all the people seem to be on similar levels – its not a stretch to talk about crystals, yoga, or meditation. It’s a norm. I love how every second person tells me about crystal caves. I love the friendliness and the slowness of time.

Meditation Practice

A while ago I posted about the Masculine Energy and Money. I posted there I had a line up of meditations to do to help me move through my issues with the masculine. About three days after arriving in Nelson, I began that practice, despite my fears that I would cry everyday.

I’m not sure that this practice triggered the depression. I’m not sure if my depression would’ve been as deep if I had not been doing this practice. I know for certain now that I have health issues that need to be looked at that are causing a loss of energy in my day to day life.

Doing yoga and meditation when I am depressed has sometimes been the most challenging thing I can do in a day. But after I do it, I usually feel better. I feel motivated. I feel like I can handle the world again.

It can totally shift how I feel and how I interact with the world. It is so simple, yet it can be such a challenge. It is one of my self-care practices to do yoga and/or meditate every day. It provides me with a sense of grounding. No matter what is happening in a day I have one thing available that is consistent: the ability to turn inwards.

Read Part Two Next Week! Part two details the meditations for Releasing Childhood Anger and Insecurity.